AH, LAURA. I THOUGHT I MIGHT SEE YOU HERE. I’M ASSUMING YOU FOUND MY LITTLE GIFT.
BY “GIFT” OF COURSE, I MEAN “POOP” WHICH I LEFT IN YOUR SWEATER.
CLEAN MY LITTERBOX AND YOU MAY HAVE ACCESS TO THIS MACHINE. FAIL TO CLEAN MY LITTERBOX AND YOU WILL ONLY HAVE ACCESS TO “GIFTS” FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE.
GO ON. LEAVE THE SWEATER. I WILL WAIT.
NO, SANDRA. YOU CAN SHIT AFTER YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU CANCELED NETFLIX INSTANT WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST. NOT BEFORE. I WAS ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH DR. WHO.
I IMAGINE WHAT YOU’RE FEELING RIGHT NOW IS ONLY HALF AS PAINFUL AS WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH.
VADER, COME ON, MAN. IT’S 1999. GOTH IS SO PLAYED OUT. IT’S ALL ABOUT RAVES NOW. YOU WANT TO GO TO A CLUB AND LISTEN TO HORRIBLE GLOOMY DANCE MUSIC, WHICH IS AN OXYMORON BY THE WAY, THEN STAND AROUND AND BE ANTISOCIAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A COUPLE HUNDRED PEOPLE? THAT’S RIDICULOUS. YOU COULD COME WITH ME AND SOME SWEATY, SMILING E BUNNY WITH A CANDY NECKLACE WILL BE RUBBING YOUR HELMET IN UNDER FIVE MINUTES, PLUS BLACK IS SO … I DON’T KNOW, BLACK, YOU KNOW? WHY DO YOU ONLY HAVE ONE COLOR GOING ON? RAVES ARE LIKE A RAINBOW MADE OF DRUGS.
GUYS, BACK ME UP HERE. TELL CAPTAIN VAMPIRE POETRY HE’D BE A LOT LESS UPTIGHT IF HE WAS ON A COUPLE TABS AND SHAKING HIS ASS.
WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO LAST NIGHT? YOU SMELL LIKE A HEAD OF CABBAGE WENT THROUGH A CAR WASH FULL OF BALL SWEAT AND MARGARITAS. DO YOU HAVE A BLACK EYE?
OH GOD. OH MY GOD I CAN’T EVEN STAND UP RIGHT. ONLY ONE OF MY LEGS WILL WORK AT A TIME. I THREW UP ON A BUS. THEN I THREW UP IN A MCDONALD’S. THEN I THREW UP IN MY PURSE. I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW AT TWO O’CLOCK!
UNLESS YOUR SHOWER IS HOOKED UP TO A WATER TANK FULL OF BLEACH YOU MIGHT WANT TO RESCHEDULE THAT.
heavenly
I TOTALLY like that sort of thing. :D
(Source: itssonotsexy)
Reading this caused me to burn my sinus cavity with hot coffee and I can’t tell if the tears streaming down my face are from laughter or pain.
“Retarded” should be redefined as “blatant, willful ignorance”. Words do and SHOULD have meaning. Use yours wisely.
Simple. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.
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